My days in SG

okay this is super late..haha guess white rabbit's comment about me having a blog and yet not being a blogger is apt. I always have stuff I wanna share on this blog of mine, but when I'm sitting in front of my laptop all those stuff just vaporised.... guess I dont usually feel like writing.

ANYWAY

I should really blog about my visit to singapore before I forget all about it.

Day 1 was spent cleaning around the house...cant remember doing anything else but that...hmm

for the rest of the remaining 4 days, all I did was having lunch and dinner dates and staying over at friends' place.

heaven...

okay some of you might not understand why I was sooo happy to get back on that little red dot.
even my parents asked "you spent 3 years there, now you're on holiday and you can go anywhere and you choose singapore??"

well...its the friends. Those friends whom I regard as my extended family, who made my stay in singapore less stressful and more bearable. The kind of people I would gladly spend a million rupiah on plane tickets just so I can see them once again.

okay lets see...I'm gonna write down what I did there...not in order tho.

I met up with Denise Wong and the rest of the squash girls <3
Denise texted me to ask if I could make it to dinner with the girls and I kinda forgot to reply since I was busy scrubbing the fungi on our bedroom walls (eeww yucks) so she called me.
HAHA was damn happy to hear her voice, and we chatted away while cjo n maura n cjo's mom were watching hahahah. so okay went to TJ for dinner, met up with denise at the mrt station first cos I kinda forgot how to get there. I even forgot what station to stop at walao! We reached the squash courts just in time to hear coach Della making after-practice talk and we were shaking cos we were trying not to laugh. God, I miss coach.. so after that coach asked us what are we doing now, blablabla and off we go to dinner at hawker across the street from TJ. I had prata as I was determined to eat anything I cant find in indo and we just talked...I missed them alot, usually I'm quiet around them but thats because they are so animated and its so fun to watch that I prefer to be the audience and just watch them happily chatting away. I am content with just listening to them laugh haha, and I just realised how much I missed Denise. She's one of the nicest kindest friend in TJ.. and when we took bus to get to the mrt, we complained how expensive the adult fare is HAHA.

I had dinner with Chia Ern
Chia Ern is the kind of girl I will always like. I dont know how to say this, but she's the kind of girl whom I know I'd be friends forever with from the start, for no reason at all. I guess its her honesty that got me haha and she's cool without being too boy-ish. We had dinner at Jalan Kayu restaurant outside plasa sing... (omg jalan kayu has a branch?) when she said "lets eat at jalan kayu" I was like OKAY but wait I dont know how to get there from dhoby. then she said just wait for me there...turns out there's a branch at dhoby HAHA funny! anw we talked alot, catching up and stuff. I told her about my involvement in AIESEC and turns out she was considering to join too! I think she finally made up her mind about joining after hearing my stories :D I miss talking with her.. haha mostly with all of my friends I just wanna sit and talk the night away. but there was one precious lesson I learned from her. She was telling me how she felt about her friends. She believes if your friendship is true, then no matter how far apart you are or how long you havent seen each other, when the time comes for a reunion you would fall back into conversation as if you never been apart. "Like this, us having dinner and chatting here. I havent seen you in ages but we're not awkward aren't we?" she said. And I had to agree with her. That's how I picture all my friendships are. Long-lasting, no matter how far apart we are. Like I can meet up with a long-lost friend and still laugh at every little things like we used to ages ago.

I met Yuri on my second day
Isn't it ironic that the first person I had a lunch date with on singapore was my bestie from indo? HAHA we met for lunch, I was craving for formosa ban mian so we went to atria's food republic. YUM.

I am home.

I woke up in my plane seat. The pilot announced that we are landing soon.

I closed my eyes again, and felt that familiar sensation when your plane is skidding down the lane and slowing down.

As I open my eyes, I saw the lady next to me was staring at the window to my right. Her eyes were weary but there was a faint smile across her face.

I know what she was thinking about, I felt it too.

I am home.

I walked out to that familiar changi airport, with all the bustling crowd.

I realised there is some kind of renovation going down and it changed the floor plan so I had to get a map to find out where I should eat.

My eyes stopped at one name : Subway.

Oohh it felt like nothing before...imagine biting into your favorite homemade dish you haven't tasted in ages. Delicious and nostalgic at the same time. I spent couple of hours there waiting for maura.

We went home together, and I made sure to take a long good look at changi before leaving.

Day 1
Spent the whole day cleaning maura's flat.


okay so maura rented this flat to share with 7 others, it belongs to a family of a father, a son and a daughter... and it is super horribly awfully DIRTY!! ewww I ended up helping them clean up

new year.

okay I havent been posting lots of stuff here, lemme see if I can still rmb some of em.
2010 past in a blur, lots of things to do and so little time...

2010 in a gist:
LEFT SINGAPORE FOR GOOD *sigh*
felt like havent had enough proper goodbyes
came in terms with my future in indonesia
had a real hard time adapting back into the Indonesian surroundings (language, mindsets, people etc)
found out my written bahasa sucks and still trying to improve it
*mental note: must stop thinking essays out in english n direct-translate them*
busted my ass working real hard for uni entrance exam
got accepted in both the top universities in Indo.  fuckyeah!
decided to go for Faculty of Industrial Technology in Institute of Technology Bandung.
made my parents proud esp my dad since he graduated from ITB too
made lots of new friends in ITB, found out we have some mutual friends in sg
met old friends like TX and kerupuk and Yosi in ITB :)
HA what a small world afterall
trying my best at keeping contact with all my friends in sg.
I would never forget them, and I still love them all.
decided to join Hockey in ITB, made a new family there <3
decided to try applying to AIESEC n got in! YAY another family <3
moved into a hostel, met funny peeps there haha love em to bits
went to China on a vacation with family, happy yet sad cos it ruined my plan to go sg on holiday
had exams, okay results but yea kinda disappointing, shall do better next semester >:]
had periods of longings, would miss some people so bad I cry to sleep at nights.
had new bestfriends, families, crushes, tasks, responsibilities, lessons learnt and many more.

2011 is here and Im gonna turn 20 soon.
how do I feel? idk... :/
its not much really, age is only a number afterall, but yea I did some reflections..
there was definitely regrets and sadness, but hey I gained alot more than most others at my age..
and there were decisions I would never ever regret, that made me who I am today.
I can only say thanks to God for all my 20 years of life, and pray He continues blessing me.

for 2011:
spend my birthday and new year with friends for a change
get back to exercising and vegetarianism. must lose weight >:[
get serious in studies, set my priorities straight and get those damn As
get a car :) or specifically get permission to bring my car to bandung
try to get along with my family, seems I'm too used to living without them around that I have grown apart from them. my mum esp pointed this out...and yea its true sometimes I dont feel comfortable having them around.
go on exchange on summer 2011 :)
decide on what course to take (Industrial OR Physical engineering)
and as a bonus : get on with my love life HAHA

I wonder if anybody still bothers to read this..
well anyway,
Happy New Year! :D

cant sleep

oh God I dont know whats wrong with me.

Its frigging late and Im not even sleepy despite the super tiring day.
I just got back from a christmas celebration in my campus, I was in the choir singing.
It was fun, it reminded me of the joy of singing in a choir, we took lots of pictures too. I was happy.

Then I got home (or rather hostel).

Then the aura suddenly changed. I dont know why. Now I find myself feeling miserable...worse than ever before. It feels like something heavy just landed on my heart, and I need to get rid of it but I dont have the outlet. Yea Im blogging now, but it helps just a little. I wish to have a conversation now, HTHT perhaps, with friends who know me well and wont mind hearing all the crap I wanna let off.

I think the only explanation I could come up with is that because lots of things happened this week and I havent had the chance to really digest them.. or rather understand and accept them. Lots of sadness, bitterness, disappointment, misses, longings, and anger were thrown against me and instead of catching and then dumping them away I took them all in just like how you would randomly stuff your notes in your bag because you didnt have time to organise them so that you can tidy up later when you have time. So I have lots of these debris waiting to be cleared, and I didnt have the time to do so until the next thing I know its already piling up higher than it should be.

I cant even bring myself to write all of it here. Not because Im afraid of others who might be reading. Simply because I cant do it, because I know this wont do me any good and so why bother? This isnt the outlet I need right now, not for a problem of this scale.

At first I thought I just needed a time alone. Then I realised its the exact opposite. I need to have somebody here with me.

For goodness' sake Nathania, haven't you learned a thing throughout these years?


I've always draw my strength from others. ALWAYS.

so now I know what I need....what's next?

PS: I just read a comment a friend made on an old post in which he described us four as the elements. hey kerupuk if you're reading this, I really wanna know why you had such an idea...

My old friend T-X

lots of things happened recently. birthdays are plenty in this month I dunno why and I kept joining the surprise party etc so been staying up late for days now....haha sleeping at 3am seems so easy now ;P

I re-read my own blog posts n realised this blog seems darker and emo-er by the post. HAHA guess its to be expected, since my initial purpose of creating a blog is to have a place where I can pour out whatever I have in mind... so I'm detemined NOT to let this post have such an aura ;)

hmm I'm still figuring out how to post a picture heereeee *feeling stoopid*
*scratch head*    AH I THINK I GOT IT
sorry for stealing this pic from ur fb, but I dont have any better picture of you.

Isn't she handsome?!?! but now she looks much more girly :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEA DANIELLA :D
one of my closest friends since junior high, I love her to bits.
She's one of the very few friends that are still around when I left for singapore, and still there when I came back. She turned 20 on 4th December, I went to her place with another close friend of ours Sahap at around 0030 and we chat til super late, then Sahap left (a guy cant stay in a girl's place too long la) while I decided to spend the night there and we continued to chat. I totally enjoyed it, even though I felt like my body is screaming for rest but seriously I just couldn't stop the conversation. It reminded me of how much alike we are, the way we think and the way we see the world, the way we sometimes use our logic too much and our emotions too little. We talked about everything, from our country,campus,friends, our encounters and opinions on love and I was never bored chatting with her. To me, she's the kind of best friend whom I felt so comfortable with that I can say whatever I have in mind without being afraid of her getting angry or anything. Because in the end I know she has the same mindset, we're of the same type, and I know she won't disagree with me (or at least not too much) and even if she disagrees it won't turn to upsetting scenes, we would just talk about it and speak out what we have in mind. That night I also realised how much I miss her, miss us talking, just talking, exchanging views and all, miss her stupid laugh haha miss her silly gestures. Ironically, we go to the same university and my campus isn't that big but still... its sooo hard for us to meet.

I'm glad I have someone who thinks in the same direction :)

Hey TX if you're reading this, you know I wish you all the best, but I also wish this friendship lasts forever.

If We Are The Body - Casting Crowns

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

[chorus]
But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road
 
[chorus]

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ
 
[chorus 2x]

Jesus is the way.
____________________________________________________

This made me cry.
Have we, the people of God, really turned into some ignorant and judgmental people? When we were supposedly helping each other out of love? Where have our healing hands, our reaching arms, our love gone to?

Praying for forgiveness is a start

when in Rome, do as Romans do.

phew what a week!! :D

been speending some quality time with my AIESEC new friends... they're cool! I think I'm attached to them already...I'm starting to see them as my family just the way I did with my friends in singapore.
Hedonistic much ?!?! but nevermind once in a while is okay right? xD

I had a chat with my super beloved bestie in Singapore, she was studying and her skype was on so.. haha sorry for bothering you girl, but I dont think you'll read this anyway. I started telling her about my life here, we shared stories, she told me about the stressful times of A levels while I shared them my new friends and experiences and campus and hockey and AIESEC and crushes and all....

then the topic veered into why I still miss Singapore alot... Damn that girl can dig anything out of me :P

so I told her that I miss the food, the buses, mrts, hostel n most of all: friends.
then I told her about my frustration with the people here.

I told her how badly I wanted to slap a friend of mine in the face when he said that he hates Malaysians and accuse them of stealing Indo's culture etc. I told her how I got so angry that I cried, not out of sadness but out of rage, for the first time this year. I told her how I miss the consideration that is always present in Singapore's daily lives, how intolerable discrimination is in the eyes of the people there, and how different it is with the people here. I told her how much it hurts when people here speak (badly or wrongly) about foreigners with such confidence, not knowing that I know lots of them personally.

"It hurts, when my own friends trash talk people from this country and that country. Because all of you are my friends, and I know you guys aren't like that... and the worst part is I couldn't do crap about it, I just swallowed all of it in."
well that's the gist of what the conclusion was. She was silent throughout my rants. She's malaysian by the way, and one of my most bestest closest beloved friend I ever had.

Can you feel my pain? I wanted so badly to stand up for the people who were misunderstood, stand up for HER, but when I tried they would just fire back at me with more retorts and more hatred that I didn't know what else can I do.

One of my seniors in AIESEC, a friend of mine, once made me so sad that I cried in my sleep. We were having this conference thingy, there were some intl delegates including a malaysian guy, and every delegates were supposed to stage a performance about their culture. This guy sang a song that is also known as the traditional song here and apparently people in Indo couldn't accept the fact that there are other countries singing this song (i dunno but this is from my pov anw). Later that night, we had evaluation and she brought this up. She made it sound as if what he did was unforgivable, that the song only belongs to Indo. I think I rolled my eyes at her, as a joke-like response, but in reality I was hurt. I love her cos she's my friend and I guess that just made it hurt even more.

When you have someone you truly care about, truly love and truly hold close to your heart, whatever accusations or trash talk about that someone would hurt you just as bad as it would hurt her/him.

Why can't we all live together and share what we have? Why must this be ours and that be theirs only? Why not share? Why not accept the fact that we are closely related whether you like it or not?

Her response was calm and composed...such a wise girl indeed.
She said I have to get used to it because that is how things are in Indo. This place is not filled with foreigners, people do not mix with those other than their own kinds and thus they do not understand what I have understood since 3 years ago. She said its okay for me to try and fix their mindsets but advised me not to be so emotional as it might backfire, instead of fixing things up I might end up receiving hateful glares.

I know she's right. When in Rome right? but then again I don't think I can stand it everyday. Not when I feel like I gotta stand up for her against my own friends here. Do I really have to get used to this awful feeling??

And this makes me miss my friends n family in Singapore even more.

God give me strength