Things I wish I can tell that person right now

I am sitting at my desk right now. Supposedly studying for my finals on Monday but I'm not doing anything. Just staring at my laptop.

The house is empty except for me. Everyone is out. I don't really mind and honestly speaking I prefer it this way. Quiet. Very nice for studying or just pondering things.

I just finished reading Grisham's The Firm, had read halfway through The Pelican Brief. Just found an ebook of Pride and Prejudice, epub version, and I swear I'll start reading as soon as my finals are over. Well knowing me, I'd probably start sooner. Cant refuse a good book now, can I?

Damn.

I wish I can invite you over. I wish I can have you here with me all the time. I am all alone here. Lonely as hell. Would love a company. Hey, are you free? Come over and we'll do something fun. Or just sit around and I'll make some tea and we'll chat. Or just enjoy the quiet and peace and laze around reading books. Yeah, that'd be great. Just us sitting and reading and not even talking.

Because your presence is enough.
Because having you here is enough.

Damn it.

And I can't ever tell you all this, can I?

Needing/Getting - OK Go

Awesome song by an awesome band. Personally, I prefer their music video where they play the song with live recording. But whichever version you listen to, make sure you listen to the words. They struck me.

isn't it awesome/weird how really really meaningful lyrics can get "hidden" behind a music so simple that the audience can somehow miss the message that the song was supposed to deliver?

and I just realised I almost always use the word "really" twice in a sentence.

and I forgot what font I usually use to blog, but this one looks fine. right?

so I'm in a mood right now. not lately. lately I'm just tired all the time. right now, tho, I'm in a mood. The kind of mood we (or maybe just girls) get every once in a while. Some get over it with a good ol' soul-cleansing cry. Some with binge session, preferably involving chocolate or ice cream or (for some) alcoholic beverage. Some with exercise, trying to push their body to the limit and end up feeling spent and too tired to continue brooding. Hell, that last method is probably the most productive channel to vent out whatever you have inside.

but me, I resort to writing. and no I wasn't trying to sound cool.

It's the song.

Needing is one thing / and gettin'
Getting's another

Do you know what you need? I always thought I knew. But it's only now I realised I've been forgetting another thing I might need. But this time, I don't think I can get what I need.

I've always known that I draw strength from others. tho this description means I'm an extrovert, I beg to differ. For one, I prefer to be alone at my house and do peaceful things like read a book, rather than go out to some party. You might frown and say, "but you DO go out." well, yeah, but not that often and I don't go out like my life depended on it or like it's the only way I'll feel alive again. So, like an extrovert, I draw strength from my friends, and yet I prefer to be at home. go figure.

Anyway, so now that I've established that, it also shows that I need to be around people once in a while. I need that social interaction with friends etc to recharge. Sometimes just a cuppa with a friend, chatting away without caring for time, is the best remedy for me after a fucked-up midterm paper. This is a need.

So whats the big deal? I've got friends, yes, and they're fun people too. but what I do not have is the kind of friends who can be readily available when I need em physically.

get your minds off the gutter.

I never really realised that this is one of the things that kept me sane during those years in SG. Living in a hostel/dorm means your friends are always close to you, literally. Your room is just next to theirs, or maybe just another floor down. I used to come to a friend's room and just sit there and talk or sometimes just watch them do whatever they were doing, all for the purpose of taking a break and freshen up. The physical closeness is what I am missing right now. I can no longer knock on a door so easily to see a friend. I can no longer ask if I can spend the night there and (maybe) cuddle. I can no longer get a hug or a slap that readily. I cannot even see my friends as often as I used to. Back then, no matter what, I'd at least see them at dinner. One dining hall made it almost impossible otherwise, unless they chose to skip dinner. I just realised that I've been missing this.

Will I die without this? Will I die if things continue as they are? Of course not.

I am not that weak.

But this shows the difference between needing and getting. Now that I know what I need, I don't think I can get it. Regardless, life must go on. But if Santa, or God, or whoever, is to come to me and grant me a wish... Well.

I'd wish I can have a friend who can be close whenever I need somebody to lean on.

I have tons of friends who have never failed me whenever I need a good HTHT (translation : curhat). I do not write this to belittle the kindness and love I have received from my friends all these times. But these friends and I are separated by time and space. I can no longer send a text message and meet up in the next 60 seconds. I miss that. I miss times when a text message would appear in my phone and I felt something was off and I can call up that person, ask whats up, and meet up. Hey, even the song taught us that this is a two-way relationship. Mutual symbiosis.

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

I'll be there for you, and you for me. Ain't that how its supposed to be?

I will not ask so much of a person if I am not ready to give just as much.

I wish I have a friend who, no matter what when where, can know that something was up and would come to the rescue. would appear and make the bad things go away. be my getaway, my great escape, my little hiding place. And I would be hers. or his.

Physically there. Physically close.

But, right now, I can really use a good hug.

til then,

Yours truly.

Damn my infinitesimal memory

Pardon the title. It all started when I realised I haven't been using english for a while now and my vocab was getting rusty so I decided to read a word a day. You know, open the dictionary and find a word I don't already know and learn it. Well, the word of the day was "infinitesimal" which means extremely small, tiny. I didn't get it at first because "infinite" means unlimited, limitless, impossible to measure and so how come "infinitesimal" means tiny? I looked it up and found that it was originally used to describe an object so small that there is no feasible way of measuring the object although it does exist and not "zero". Huh.

Anyway, I was digressing.

I haven't been writing for so so long now because I forgot the email and password that I used for this blogger account. And if you read the post just below this you can see that this is not the first time it has happened. Hence the title.

I also realised that I haven't been doing the project therapy that I wrote about in my last post. Or more accurately, I have been doing it but I just kept it in my laptop instead of posting it. I am extremely busy (ask any Industrial Eng. student and they would confirm this) such that I have no time to post stuff. Plus, truth be told, I kinda forgot about the whole thing.

But, like I said, I have written some articles that were supposedly to go under Project Therapy. And I re-read them and I remembered why I didn't post them in the first place.

They were too personal.

I mean, I started writing them as a way to vent out my emotions. whether its longing or sadness or anger. Still I know I should keep it in check because I know my blog is open to the scrutiny of the whole world wide web. But the articles that was meant to be Project Therapy are just too personal. I guess I got carried away. They always start the same, just reminiscence of a person whom the article is about (or a place or an object) and it is funny and generally harmless. Then I enter this state of soul-searching where I literally poured out whatever unsaid emotions and things related to this person/place/object into the article. It horrified me of how personal and emotional the articles were becoming and I was afraid to put em on the blog. Afraid of how vulnerable and open I would be to the eyes who read them, and mostly afraid that the person whom I was writing about actually read the articles...Or somebody related to the place/object actually read them. So there they sat, in a folder among my other documents.

But now I feel like I am deliberately not finishing what I had started. So I need a solution. What, I am not entirely sure. For the time being, I will continue writing and maybe adding some more articles about people / places / things I feel strongly about. But I will not post them, yet. Maybe the articles need a really really strict editing, so that what comes out on the blog is not as dangerous (?) as what I have personally on my pc. Maybe. I don't really know. Or maybe I'll just never post them here. sigh.

So here's the million-dollar question: would you want to read about what another person thinks and feels about you? including whatever else he/she has been keeping from you?

or maybe... maybe I can still post them but keep the name of the person/place/object anonymous? but then what if I myself forget what the article is about? sigh.

til then,

Yours truly.

Lost and FOUND!

I havent been writing for a long time.
then suddenly I feel the need to.
and guess what, I FORGOT THE ACCOUNT AND PASSWORD.
*facepalm*

but now I've remembered, guess Im gonna be writing regularly again.
Its this personal project Im planning to carry on. Call it my "Project Therapy".

ANYWAY I had this urge to write so.. urgent that I decided to put it up on fb instead. guess I'll be posting that here then.

so I have been feeling under the weather lately.

no its not the exams, but yes they do cast a grey cloud over my sunlight.

no its not the flu, tho admittedly my constant need of tissue irks me.

I think its just me, missing the old times.

The places, the people, the food, the activities, the scenery, the habits and cultures.

the sights sounds smells feels of everything.

I have always missed them, true, but I think my last trip to the lil red dot just made it worse.

I think its like I get to do what I've wanted to do all along, and yet had so little time for it that I only managed to

do very few of em. Its like the touch-and-go kinda feeling. Like I wasnt allowed to truly reminisce.

To truly let myself get lost in the moment and just enjoy sinking in happiness.

Im not really making sense here, am I? Hmm. I guess the best I can do to describe the feeling is like this:

Imagine you haven’t had a cupcake for years. And its one of those things you really really love.

Now imagine that one day, out of the blue, you are told that you’d be getting one.

Imagine the surprise, then the super elated, excited, pure joy that you feel after the numbness of the shock fades away and the reality sinks in.

Then you really do get the cupcake, and you’re holding it in your hand nibbling it. Trying to savour it to the last bite because you haven’t had it for ages and you truly love it and who the hell knows when you can get another. But there’s a catch; you have to eat it in a super short time-limit.

And just as you were starting to sink in relish, your time was up and the cupcake was taken from you.

Now you can say that you’re happy and grateful that you had the cupcake, but the truth is you would be left with an even bigger longing for it now that you have been given a taste of it.

Keyword : even bigger longing.

This is starting to affect me in the worst ways. It even showed up for some of my friends to see. Today I sat chatting with some of my friends and they pointed out how depressed I sound in the tweets I made the other day. They knew I miss Singapore too. Well, that’s embarrassing. I need to find a way to channel these thoughts so I don’t get mental. Suddenly I remember something a friend told me a way back. Something about how writing about her worries helped her survives another day and just overcome the stress a little.

Writing!

This is my therapy. I’m starting a little personal project. I will be writing about what I miss at the time and hope it helps lighten the load. Already I feel better just by writing this post. Idiot. Why didn’t I think of this sooner?

Another thought formed in my head. I can use the writings as a reminder, so that I won’t forget.

Well its unlikely I would forget something or someone I love that easily, but I cant rely on my memories alone.

A written record would be better. And then I can read back and smile !

My heart’s set on this. Im gonna make this project last. Just like how Katniss kept filling in her dad’s book until there’s nothing else she can think of putting in. Besides, I need the practice. Dont want my English getting rusty.

But today Im gonna go back to my calculus, so wont be starting now.

Til then, 

Yes, til I have the luxury of time to regurgitate whatever I have in my mind, this will be all.

Yours truly.

Hasil wawancara kakak NIM

Kakak NIM yang pertama saya wawancara adalah Kak Steffie Tanzil TI 08. Karena Kak Steffie sedang KP, maka wawancara saya jalankan via sms. Sayangnya, Kak Steffie mengaku tidak begitu aktif dalam kegiatan-kegiatan MTI sehingga dia tidak bisa menjawab pertanyaan saya mengenai budaya atau nilai MTI. Sedangkan untuk budaya kakak nim, dia juga mengaku tidak tahu tentang hal tersebut.

Selanjutnya saya mewawancarai Kak Ferzy Nugraha dari angkatan 2009. Menurut Kak Ferzy, nilai yang menurut dia paling menonjol adalah efisiensinya. Para anggota MTI sangat menjunjung tinggi efisiensi dan hal ini mempunyai dampak positif dan negatif pada kinerja MTI. Di satu sisi, karena menjunjung tinggi efisiensi waktu, para anggota MTI dapat bekerja dengan sangat terorganisir dan kepengurusan MTI pun dapat dijalankan dengan sangat teratur bila dibandingkan dengan himpunan lain. Namun di sisi yang lain, hal ini mengakibatkan sedikitnya minat anggota MTI terhadap diskusi-diskusi kajian seperti Forsil atau Kongres Mahasiswa. Dalam pengkajian suatu hal, diskusi yang berlangsung akan menjadi panjang karena pendapat setiap orang yang berbeda dan hal ini, dari sudut pandang seorang anggota MTI, sangatlah tidak efisien karena terlalu menyita waktu. Akibatnya, kebanyakan anggota MTI tidak ingin mengikuti diskusi semacam ini. Budaya yang menurutnya paling menonjol menurut Kak Ferzy saat ini adalah degradasi mutu angkatan. Menurutnya, angkatan 2006 adalah angkatan MTI yang sangat bagus kinerjanya, namun angkatan 2007 tidak dapat menyamai reputasi angkatan 2006 karena kurangnya totalitas seluruh angkatan secara bersama. Walau ada banyak individu berpotensi pada angkatan tersebut, namun karena sisanya kurang mendukung individu-individu tersebut, angkatan 2007 menjadi kurang berhasil dibanding yang sebelumnya. Degradasi ini lalu berlanjut ke angkatan 2008, terutama karena adanya masa TPB sehingga masa PPAB dan perkenalan ke himpunan baru dimulai pada tahun kedua di saat anggota angkatan 2008 mungkin sudah mempunyai prioritas lain di unit atau Kabinet. Sama seperti sebelumnya, hal ini juga berlanjut ke angkatan 2009. Kak Ferzy juga berpendapat bahwa degradasi ini terjadi karena kurangnya role model atau panutan yang dapat ditiru oleh angkatan yang lebih muda. Ketika angkatan 2008 memasuki MTI, mereka tidak menemukan adanya kinerja bermutu tinggi dari angkatan 2007 sehingga mereka yang berniat aktif di MTI pun akhirnya menciut, dan hal ini berlanjut ke angkatan bawahnya.

Wawancara yang terakhir saya adakan adalah dengan Kak Leni Junita dari angkatan 2007. Ia berpendapat bahwa nilai-nilai yang paling menonjol di MTI adalah kekeluargaannya, komitmen anggotanya dalam menjalankan kewajiban, dan pengembangan yang didapat melalui kontribusi anggota terhadap MTI. Kalau budaya yang paling menonjol baginya adalah keakraban dalam angkatan karena dalam angkatannya Kak Leni merasa sudah sangat dekat sesame 2007. Sedangkan dengan angkatan lain seperti 09 dirasa kurang keakrabannya. Untuk hal yang paling berkesan di MTI adalah acara-acara yang diadakan (seperti wisuda, IECOM, dll) karena panitia akan menyiapkan acara-acara ini dengan sepenuh hati dan pelajaran yang didapat besar sekali. Mengenai budaya kakak NIM kak Leni mengaku tidak begitu mengetahui karena hal ini baru diterapkan dari angkatan di bawahnya. Budayanya pun terbatas pada wawancara adik kelas tentang MTI, tidak ada yang bertanya tentand akademik atau menjadi dekat dengan kakak nim nya. Dia sendiri mengaku tidak mengerti tujuan yang dicapai dari adanya kakak nim.

RESUME 27 Juli 2011

Pada hari Rabu, 27 Juli 2011, kami kembali mengikuti kegiatan PPAB di kampus. Kami berkumpul di pagi hari di lapangan GSG lalu dimobilisasi menuju lapangan pool bus. Di sana, kami dikumpulkan dan setelah cek spec, kami bersiap melakukan olahraga pagi. Kami meakukan lari pagi mengelilingi pool bus hingga ke gsg lalu kembali ke pool bus lewat depan sunken court dua kali. Selagi berlari, ada beberapa yang tidak kuat dan segera memisahkan diri. Kami juga meneriakkan yel-yel TI-MRI untuk memberi semangat kepada teman-teman kami selagi berlari. Setelah selesai berlari dan diberi waktu istirahat untuk duduk dan minum air, kami disuruh untuk menyanyikan lagu angkatan yang telah kami latih sebelumnya. Beberapa dari kami juga ditunjuk untuk menjelaskan makna dari lambang angkatan yang telah kami buat dalam bentuk bendera.

Setelah kegiatan pagi di lapangan pool bus, kami kembali bergerak menuju Ruang Seminar Departemen Teknik Industri. Acara berikutnya adalah presentasi tentang perangkat-perangkat MTI. Presentasi yang pertama adalah presentasi Senator MTI dan tim nya. Kak Offu, Senator MTI untuk kepengurusan yang sekarang, menjelaskan tentang apa itu Senator dan apa saja tugas atau kewajiban yang dipegangnya. Ia menjelaskan bahwa Senator adalah perwakilan dari MTI dan himpunan lainnya yang bergabung dalam Kongres Mahasiswa ITB. Kongres Mahasiswa ITB sendiri adalah bagian dari perangkat Kabinet Mahasiswa ITB. Di dalam Kongres tersebut, terdapat perwakilan dari setiap himpunan di ITB dan mereka secara rutin mengadakan rapat-rapat untuk membahas atau mengkaji suatu topik yang mempunyai dampak kepada para mahasiswa di ITB, seperti membahas PROKM yang akan datang, RUU yang berkaitan dengan perguruan tinggi, dan sebagainya. Senator juga mempunyai tim yang ikut dalam kongres ini, mereka semua mengambil andil dalam divisi-divisi yang berbeda dalam kongres.

Berikutnya adalah presentasi dari Badan Perwakilan Anggota (BPA) MTI. BPA adalah badan legislatif dalam susunan perangkat MTI dan kedudukannya setara dengan Ketua Umum MTI. Fungsi utama BPA MTI antara lain Aspiratif, yaitu mengumpulkan aspirasi anggota dan menjembatani Ketua Umum dan Badan Pengurusnya dengan para anggota MTI lainnya, Pertimbangan, yaitu memberikan pertimbangan dan masukan kepada Ketua Umum mengenai kinerjanya atau program kerjanya, dan Kontrol, yaitu mengawasi proker atau kegiatan dan kebijakan Ketua Umum agar tetap mengikuti nilai-nilai MTI dan juga mengevaluasi AD/ART.

Terakhir adalah presentasi Ketua Umum dan Badan Pengurus-nya. Kahim Dodop menjelaskan tentang visi misi MTI serta susunan BP dan peran setiap anggotanya. Mulai dari Sekjen hingga para Ketua Divisinya, satu persatu kewajibannya dijelaskan dengan singkat. Presentasinya kurang lebih sama dengan saat tourlab FTI. Hal yang paling menarik minat saya adalah ComDev yang bertugas mengembangkan desa secara kontinu.

RESUME 26 Juli 2011

Pada hari Selasa, 26 Juli 2011, kami kembali menjalani rangkaian acara PPAB. Di hari kedua PPAB ini, kami mula-mula dikumpulkan di lapangan radar. Di sana, kembali kami dicek spec yang telah dibawa dan memeragakan tarian dan lagu angkatan yang telah kami siapkan sebelumnya. Setelah itu, kami dibagi kembali menjadi 20 kelompok kecil dan memulai sesi mentoring dengan kakak mentornya. Hasil sesi mentoring antara lain adalah pentingnya team bulinding, empathy dan ilmu komunikasi. Kakak mentor kami menekankan pentingnya ketiga skill tersebut dalam mengusahakan kekompakan angkatan kami dan menjadikan angkatan kami solid. Kak Maya, yang menggantikan Kak Resya karena dia sakit, juga menjelaskan perbedaan empati dan simpati. Orang yang bersimpati berarti orang yang merasa kasihan akan temannya saat kesulitan sedangkan orang yang berempati tidak hanya merasa kasihan melainkan juga mencari cara untuk membantu teman yang kesulitan ini. Selain itu, kami juga diberi instruksi untuk membuat yel kelompok yang akan dilombakan terhadap kelompok lainnya.

Kami kemudian dimobilisasi ke Ruang Seminar Teknik Industri. Di sana, kami mendapatkan seminar dari Kak Adjie Wicaksana. Kak Adjie adalah kakak kelas kami dari Teknik Industri dan juga merupakan seorang mahasiswa yang sangat aktif berkegiatan. Selain aktif di himpunan, Ka Adjie ini juga aktif di GAMAIS ITB. Seminar yang dibawakan oleh Kak Adjie berputar sekitar topik tujuan hidup dan keadaan Industri sekarang. Dia menyatakan bahwa dalam menentukan tujuan hidup kami haru selalu mengingat semangat dan idealisme pemuda. Tujuan hidup juga sebaiknya mengikuti aturan SMARTC (Specific Measurable Achievable Real Time-based Challenging) dan juga tidak berakhir hingga akhir hidup kita. Tujuan hidup haruslah selalu ada hingga kita mati nantinya agar dalam menjalani hidup kita bisa mempunyai gambaran yang jelas tentang apa yang mau kita lakukan. Visi adalah gambaran masa depang yang ingin kita raih, semakin nyata visi kita semakin baik. Cita-cita adalah jembatan yang menghubungkan tujuan hidup dan visi. Ia juga sangat menganjurkan agar setiap orang menuliskan tujuan hidup serta visi hidup kita hingga bertahun-tahun ke depan agar kita tidak kehilangan arah. Selain itu, dia juga berpesan agar kami dapat memanfaatkan fasilitas yang tersedia di kampus ini dengan sebaik mungkin dalam proses mempersiapkan diri untuk kehidupan masa depan.