Things I wish I can tell that person right now

I am sitting at my desk right now. Supposedly studying for my finals on Monday but I'm not doing anything. Just staring at my laptop.

The house is empty except for me. Everyone is out. I don't really mind and honestly speaking I prefer it this way. Quiet. Very nice for studying or just pondering things.

I just finished reading Grisham's The Firm, had read halfway through The Pelican Brief. Just found an ebook of Pride and Prejudice, epub version, and I swear I'll start reading as soon as my finals are over. Well knowing me, I'd probably start sooner. Cant refuse a good book now, can I?

Damn.

I wish I can invite you over. I wish I can have you here with me all the time. I am all alone here. Lonely as hell. Would love a company. Hey, are you free? Come over and we'll do something fun. Or just sit around and I'll make some tea and we'll chat. Or just enjoy the quiet and peace and laze around reading books. Yeah, that'd be great. Just us sitting and reading and not even talking.

Because your presence is enough.
Because having you here is enough.

Damn it.

And I can't ever tell you all this, can I?

Needing/Getting - OK Go

Awesome song by an awesome band. Personally, I prefer their music video where they play the song with live recording. But whichever version you listen to, make sure you listen to the words. They struck me.

isn't it awesome/weird how really really meaningful lyrics can get "hidden" behind a music so simple that the audience can somehow miss the message that the song was supposed to deliver?

and I just realised I almost always use the word "really" twice in a sentence.

and I forgot what font I usually use to blog, but this one looks fine. right?

so I'm in a mood right now. not lately. lately I'm just tired all the time. right now, tho, I'm in a mood. The kind of mood we (or maybe just girls) get every once in a while. Some get over it with a good ol' soul-cleansing cry. Some with binge session, preferably involving chocolate or ice cream or (for some) alcoholic beverage. Some with exercise, trying to push their body to the limit and end up feeling spent and too tired to continue brooding. Hell, that last method is probably the most productive channel to vent out whatever you have inside.

but me, I resort to writing. and no I wasn't trying to sound cool.

It's the song.

Needing is one thing / and gettin'
Getting's another

Do you know what you need? I always thought I knew. But it's only now I realised I've been forgetting another thing I might need. But this time, I don't think I can get what I need.

I've always known that I draw strength from others. tho this description means I'm an extrovert, I beg to differ. For one, I prefer to be alone at my house and do peaceful things like read a book, rather than go out to some party. You might frown and say, "but you DO go out." well, yeah, but not that often and I don't go out like my life depended on it or like it's the only way I'll feel alive again. So, like an extrovert, I draw strength from my friends, and yet I prefer to be at home. go figure.

Anyway, so now that I've established that, it also shows that I need to be around people once in a while. I need that social interaction with friends etc to recharge. Sometimes just a cuppa with a friend, chatting away without caring for time, is the best remedy for me after a fucked-up midterm paper. This is a need.

So whats the big deal? I've got friends, yes, and they're fun people too. but what I do not have is the kind of friends who can be readily available when I need em physically.

get your minds off the gutter.

I never really realised that this is one of the things that kept me sane during those years in SG. Living in a hostel/dorm means your friends are always close to you, literally. Your room is just next to theirs, or maybe just another floor down. I used to come to a friend's room and just sit there and talk or sometimes just watch them do whatever they were doing, all for the purpose of taking a break and freshen up. The physical closeness is what I am missing right now. I can no longer knock on a door so easily to see a friend. I can no longer ask if I can spend the night there and (maybe) cuddle. I can no longer get a hug or a slap that readily. I cannot even see my friends as often as I used to. Back then, no matter what, I'd at least see them at dinner. One dining hall made it almost impossible otherwise, unless they chose to skip dinner. I just realised that I've been missing this.

Will I die without this? Will I die if things continue as they are? Of course not.

I am not that weak.

But this shows the difference between needing and getting. Now that I know what I need, I don't think I can get it. Regardless, life must go on. But if Santa, or God, or whoever, is to come to me and grant me a wish... Well.

I'd wish I can have a friend who can be close whenever I need somebody to lean on.

I have tons of friends who have never failed me whenever I need a good HTHT (translation : curhat). I do not write this to belittle the kindness and love I have received from my friends all these times. But these friends and I are separated by time and space. I can no longer send a text message and meet up in the next 60 seconds. I miss that. I miss times when a text message would appear in my phone and I felt something was off and I can call up that person, ask whats up, and meet up. Hey, even the song taught us that this is a two-way relationship. Mutual symbiosis.

Lean on me, when you're not strong
And I'll be your friend
I'll help you carry on
For it won't be long
'Til I'm gonna need
Somebody to lean on

I'll be there for you, and you for me. Ain't that how its supposed to be?

I will not ask so much of a person if I am not ready to give just as much.

I wish I have a friend who, no matter what when where, can know that something was up and would come to the rescue. would appear and make the bad things go away. be my getaway, my great escape, my little hiding place. And I would be hers. or his.

Physically there. Physically close.

But, right now, I can really use a good hug.

til then,

Yours truly.

Damn my infinitesimal memory

Pardon the title. It all started when I realised I haven't been using english for a while now and my vocab was getting rusty so I decided to read a word a day. You know, open the dictionary and find a word I don't already know and learn it. Well, the word of the day was "infinitesimal" which means extremely small, tiny. I didn't get it at first because "infinite" means unlimited, limitless, impossible to measure and so how come "infinitesimal" means tiny? I looked it up and found that it was originally used to describe an object so small that there is no feasible way of measuring the object although it does exist and not "zero". Huh.

Anyway, I was digressing.

I haven't been writing for so so long now because I forgot the email and password that I used for this blogger account. And if you read the post just below this you can see that this is not the first time it has happened. Hence the title.

I also realised that I haven't been doing the project therapy that I wrote about in my last post. Or more accurately, I have been doing it but I just kept it in my laptop instead of posting it. I am extremely busy (ask any Industrial Eng. student and they would confirm this) such that I have no time to post stuff. Plus, truth be told, I kinda forgot about the whole thing.

But, like I said, I have written some articles that were supposedly to go under Project Therapy. And I re-read them and I remembered why I didn't post them in the first place.

They were too personal.

I mean, I started writing them as a way to vent out my emotions. whether its longing or sadness or anger. Still I know I should keep it in check because I know my blog is open to the scrutiny of the whole world wide web. But the articles that was meant to be Project Therapy are just too personal. I guess I got carried away. They always start the same, just reminiscence of a person whom the article is about (or a place or an object) and it is funny and generally harmless. Then I enter this state of soul-searching where I literally poured out whatever unsaid emotions and things related to this person/place/object into the article. It horrified me of how personal and emotional the articles were becoming and I was afraid to put em on the blog. Afraid of how vulnerable and open I would be to the eyes who read them, and mostly afraid that the person whom I was writing about actually read the articles...Or somebody related to the place/object actually read them. So there they sat, in a folder among my other documents.

But now I feel like I am deliberately not finishing what I had started. So I need a solution. What, I am not entirely sure. For the time being, I will continue writing and maybe adding some more articles about people / places / things I feel strongly about. But I will not post them, yet. Maybe the articles need a really really strict editing, so that what comes out on the blog is not as dangerous (?) as what I have personally on my pc. Maybe. I don't really know. Or maybe I'll just never post them here. sigh.

So here's the million-dollar question: would you want to read about what another person thinks and feels about you? including whatever else he/she has been keeping from you?

or maybe... maybe I can still post them but keep the name of the person/place/object anonymous? but then what if I myself forget what the article is about? sigh.

til then,

Yours truly.