cant sleep

oh God I dont know whats wrong with me.

Its frigging late and Im not even sleepy despite the super tiring day.
I just got back from a christmas celebration in my campus, I was in the choir singing.
It was fun, it reminded me of the joy of singing in a choir, we took lots of pictures too. I was happy.

Then I got home (or rather hostel).

Then the aura suddenly changed. I dont know why. Now I find myself feeling miserable...worse than ever before. It feels like something heavy just landed on my heart, and I need to get rid of it but I dont have the outlet. Yea Im blogging now, but it helps just a little. I wish to have a conversation now, HTHT perhaps, with friends who know me well and wont mind hearing all the crap I wanna let off.

I think the only explanation I could come up with is that because lots of things happened this week and I havent had the chance to really digest them.. or rather understand and accept them. Lots of sadness, bitterness, disappointment, misses, longings, and anger were thrown against me and instead of catching and then dumping them away I took them all in just like how you would randomly stuff your notes in your bag because you didnt have time to organise them so that you can tidy up later when you have time. So I have lots of these debris waiting to be cleared, and I didnt have the time to do so until the next thing I know its already piling up higher than it should be.

I cant even bring myself to write all of it here. Not because Im afraid of others who might be reading. Simply because I cant do it, because I know this wont do me any good and so why bother? This isnt the outlet I need right now, not for a problem of this scale.

At first I thought I just needed a time alone. Then I realised its the exact opposite. I need to have somebody here with me.

For goodness' sake Nathania, haven't you learned a thing throughout these years?


I've always draw my strength from others. ALWAYS.

so now I know what I need....what's next?

PS: I just read a comment a friend made on an old post in which he described us four as the elements. hey kerupuk if you're reading this, I really wanna know why you had such an idea...

My old friend T-X

lots of things happened recently. birthdays are plenty in this month I dunno why and I kept joining the surprise party etc so been staying up late for days now....haha sleeping at 3am seems so easy now ;P

I re-read my own blog posts n realised this blog seems darker and emo-er by the post. HAHA guess its to be expected, since my initial purpose of creating a blog is to have a place where I can pour out whatever I have in mind... so I'm detemined NOT to let this post have such an aura ;)

hmm I'm still figuring out how to post a picture heereeee *feeling stoopid*
*scratch head*    AH I THINK I GOT IT
sorry for stealing this pic from ur fb, but I dont have any better picture of you.

Isn't she handsome?!?! but now she looks much more girly :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEA DANIELLA :D
one of my closest friends since junior high, I love her to bits.
She's one of the very few friends that are still around when I left for singapore, and still there when I came back. She turned 20 on 4th December, I went to her place with another close friend of ours Sahap at around 0030 and we chat til super late, then Sahap left (a guy cant stay in a girl's place too long la) while I decided to spend the night there and we continued to chat. I totally enjoyed it, even though I felt like my body is screaming for rest but seriously I just couldn't stop the conversation. It reminded me of how much alike we are, the way we think and the way we see the world, the way we sometimes use our logic too much and our emotions too little. We talked about everything, from our country,campus,friends, our encounters and opinions on love and I was never bored chatting with her. To me, she's the kind of best friend whom I felt so comfortable with that I can say whatever I have in mind without being afraid of her getting angry or anything. Because in the end I know she has the same mindset, we're of the same type, and I know she won't disagree with me (or at least not too much) and even if she disagrees it won't turn to upsetting scenes, we would just talk about it and speak out what we have in mind. That night I also realised how much I miss her, miss us talking, just talking, exchanging views and all, miss her stupid laugh haha miss her silly gestures. Ironically, we go to the same university and my campus isn't that big but still... its sooo hard for us to meet.

I'm glad I have someone who thinks in the same direction :)

Hey TX if you're reading this, you know I wish you all the best, but I also wish this friendship lasts forever.