cant sleep

oh God I dont know whats wrong with me.

Its frigging late and Im not even sleepy despite the super tiring day.
I just got back from a christmas celebration in my campus, I was in the choir singing.
It was fun, it reminded me of the joy of singing in a choir, we took lots of pictures too. I was happy.

Then I got home (or rather hostel).

Then the aura suddenly changed. I dont know why. Now I find myself feeling miserable...worse than ever before. It feels like something heavy just landed on my heart, and I need to get rid of it but I dont have the outlet. Yea Im blogging now, but it helps just a little. I wish to have a conversation now, HTHT perhaps, with friends who know me well and wont mind hearing all the crap I wanna let off.

I think the only explanation I could come up with is that because lots of things happened this week and I havent had the chance to really digest them.. or rather understand and accept them. Lots of sadness, bitterness, disappointment, misses, longings, and anger were thrown against me and instead of catching and then dumping them away I took them all in just like how you would randomly stuff your notes in your bag because you didnt have time to organise them so that you can tidy up later when you have time. So I have lots of these debris waiting to be cleared, and I didnt have the time to do so until the next thing I know its already piling up higher than it should be.

I cant even bring myself to write all of it here. Not because Im afraid of others who might be reading. Simply because I cant do it, because I know this wont do me any good and so why bother? This isnt the outlet I need right now, not for a problem of this scale.

At first I thought I just needed a time alone. Then I realised its the exact opposite. I need to have somebody here with me.

For goodness' sake Nathania, haven't you learned a thing throughout these years?


I've always draw my strength from others. ALWAYS.

so now I know what I need....what's next?

PS: I just read a comment a friend made on an old post in which he described us four as the elements. hey kerupuk if you're reading this, I really wanna know why you had such an idea...