cant sleep

oh God I dont know whats wrong with me.

Its frigging late and Im not even sleepy despite the super tiring day.
I just got back from a christmas celebration in my campus, I was in the choir singing.
It was fun, it reminded me of the joy of singing in a choir, we took lots of pictures too. I was happy.

Then I got home (or rather hostel).

Then the aura suddenly changed. I dont know why. Now I find myself feeling miserable...worse than ever before. It feels like something heavy just landed on my heart, and I need to get rid of it but I dont have the outlet. Yea Im blogging now, but it helps just a little. I wish to have a conversation now, HTHT perhaps, with friends who know me well and wont mind hearing all the crap I wanna let off.

I think the only explanation I could come up with is that because lots of things happened this week and I havent had the chance to really digest them.. or rather understand and accept them. Lots of sadness, bitterness, disappointment, misses, longings, and anger were thrown against me and instead of catching and then dumping them away I took them all in just like how you would randomly stuff your notes in your bag because you didnt have time to organise them so that you can tidy up later when you have time. So I have lots of these debris waiting to be cleared, and I didnt have the time to do so until the next thing I know its already piling up higher than it should be.

I cant even bring myself to write all of it here. Not because Im afraid of others who might be reading. Simply because I cant do it, because I know this wont do me any good and so why bother? This isnt the outlet I need right now, not for a problem of this scale.

At first I thought I just needed a time alone. Then I realised its the exact opposite. I need to have somebody here with me.

For goodness' sake Nathania, haven't you learned a thing throughout these years?


I've always draw my strength from others. ALWAYS.

so now I know what I need....what's next?

PS: I just read a comment a friend made on an old post in which he described us four as the elements. hey kerupuk if you're reading this, I really wanna know why you had such an idea...

My old friend T-X

lots of things happened recently. birthdays are plenty in this month I dunno why and I kept joining the surprise party etc so been staying up late for days now....haha sleeping at 3am seems so easy now ;P

I re-read my own blog posts n realised this blog seems darker and emo-er by the post. HAHA guess its to be expected, since my initial purpose of creating a blog is to have a place where I can pour out whatever I have in mind... so I'm detemined NOT to let this post have such an aura ;)

hmm I'm still figuring out how to post a picture heereeee *feeling stoopid*
*scratch head*    AH I THINK I GOT IT
sorry for stealing this pic from ur fb, but I dont have any better picture of you.

Isn't she handsome?!?! but now she looks much more girly :D

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DEA DANIELLA :D
one of my closest friends since junior high, I love her to bits.
She's one of the very few friends that are still around when I left for singapore, and still there when I came back. She turned 20 on 4th December, I went to her place with another close friend of ours Sahap at around 0030 and we chat til super late, then Sahap left (a guy cant stay in a girl's place too long la) while I decided to spend the night there and we continued to chat. I totally enjoyed it, even though I felt like my body is screaming for rest but seriously I just couldn't stop the conversation. It reminded me of how much alike we are, the way we think and the way we see the world, the way we sometimes use our logic too much and our emotions too little. We talked about everything, from our country,campus,friends, our encounters and opinions on love and I was never bored chatting with her. To me, she's the kind of best friend whom I felt so comfortable with that I can say whatever I have in mind without being afraid of her getting angry or anything. Because in the end I know she has the same mindset, we're of the same type, and I know she won't disagree with me (or at least not too much) and even if she disagrees it won't turn to upsetting scenes, we would just talk about it and speak out what we have in mind. That night I also realised how much I miss her, miss us talking, just talking, exchanging views and all, miss her stupid laugh haha miss her silly gestures. Ironically, we go to the same university and my campus isn't that big but still... its sooo hard for us to meet.

I'm glad I have someone who thinks in the same direction :)

Hey TX if you're reading this, you know I wish you all the best, but I also wish this friendship lasts forever.

If We Are The Body - Casting Crowns

It's crowded in worship today
As she slips in
Trying to fade into the faces
The girls' teasing laughter is carrying farther than they know
Farther than they know

[chorus]
But if we are the Body
Why aren't His arms reaching
Why aren't His hands healing
Why aren't His words teaching
And if we are the Body
Why aren't His feet going
Why is His love not showing them there is a way
There is a way

A traveler is far away from home
He sheds his coat
And quietly sinks into the back row
The weight of their judgmental glances tells him that his chances
Are better out on the road
 
[chorus]

Jesus paid much too high a price
For us to pick and choose who should come
And we are the Body of Christ
 
[chorus 2x]

Jesus is the way.
____________________________________________________

This made me cry.
Have we, the people of God, really turned into some ignorant and judgmental people? When we were supposedly helping each other out of love? Where have our healing hands, our reaching arms, our love gone to?

Praying for forgiveness is a start

when in Rome, do as Romans do.

phew what a week!! :D

been speending some quality time with my AIESEC new friends... they're cool! I think I'm attached to them already...I'm starting to see them as my family just the way I did with my friends in singapore.
Hedonistic much ?!?! but nevermind once in a while is okay right? xD

I had a chat with my super beloved bestie in Singapore, she was studying and her skype was on so.. haha sorry for bothering you girl, but I dont think you'll read this anyway. I started telling her about my life here, we shared stories, she told me about the stressful times of A levels while I shared them my new friends and experiences and campus and hockey and AIESEC and crushes and all....

then the topic veered into why I still miss Singapore alot... Damn that girl can dig anything out of me :P

so I told her that I miss the food, the buses, mrts, hostel n most of all: friends.
then I told her about my frustration with the people here.

I told her how badly I wanted to slap a friend of mine in the face when he said that he hates Malaysians and accuse them of stealing Indo's culture etc. I told her how I got so angry that I cried, not out of sadness but out of rage, for the first time this year. I told her how I miss the consideration that is always present in Singapore's daily lives, how intolerable discrimination is in the eyes of the people there, and how different it is with the people here. I told her how much it hurts when people here speak (badly or wrongly) about foreigners with such confidence, not knowing that I know lots of them personally.

"It hurts, when my own friends trash talk people from this country and that country. Because all of you are my friends, and I know you guys aren't like that... and the worst part is I couldn't do crap about it, I just swallowed all of it in."
well that's the gist of what the conclusion was. She was silent throughout my rants. She's malaysian by the way, and one of my most bestest closest beloved friend I ever had.

Can you feel my pain? I wanted so badly to stand up for the people who were misunderstood, stand up for HER, but when I tried they would just fire back at me with more retorts and more hatred that I didn't know what else can I do.

One of my seniors in AIESEC, a friend of mine, once made me so sad that I cried in my sleep. We were having this conference thingy, there were some intl delegates including a malaysian guy, and every delegates were supposed to stage a performance about their culture. This guy sang a song that is also known as the traditional song here and apparently people in Indo couldn't accept the fact that there are other countries singing this song (i dunno but this is from my pov anw). Later that night, we had evaluation and she brought this up. She made it sound as if what he did was unforgivable, that the song only belongs to Indo. I think I rolled my eyes at her, as a joke-like response, but in reality I was hurt. I love her cos she's my friend and I guess that just made it hurt even more.

When you have someone you truly care about, truly love and truly hold close to your heart, whatever accusations or trash talk about that someone would hurt you just as bad as it would hurt her/him.

Why can't we all live together and share what we have? Why must this be ours and that be theirs only? Why not share? Why not accept the fact that we are closely related whether you like it or not?

Her response was calm and composed...such a wise girl indeed.
She said I have to get used to it because that is how things are in Indo. This place is not filled with foreigners, people do not mix with those other than their own kinds and thus they do not understand what I have understood since 3 years ago. She said its okay for me to try and fix their mindsets but advised me not to be so emotional as it might backfire, instead of fixing things up I might end up receiving hateful glares.

I know she's right. When in Rome right? but then again I don't think I can stand it everyday. Not when I feel like I gotta stand up for her against my own friends here. Do I really have to get used to this awful feeling??

And this makes me miss my friends n family in Singapore even more.

God give me strength

too high an expectation

that's right.

maybe I did expect too much... but I guess I had every reason to. They seemed to understand where Im coming from, seemed to be as open minded as I am. I truly thought they were different. But I guess culture here has shaped them to the point of no return...

But at least I wanna try to get this across.

YOU DONT KNOW THE FIRST THING ABOUT DISCRIMINATION

I still dont understand why people here insist that they do not discriminate. seriously??
let me tell you what discrimination and not discriminating really is. I have been through it, every kinds of it, and it was hell, and I hate it when it happens esp right in front of me, and Im gonna set this straight.

When you discriminate someone or something, you basically treat it as different, not normal, see it differently than how you would see something you are used to.
When you do not discriminate, you dont talk about it too much, like its something normal and unimportant for you to waste your breath on. Like the fact that I have 10 fingers, you dont talk about that with friends do you? Cos to you its normal and hence there is no need to press the topic on.

To not discriminate is to try to adapt with the circumstances.
When me and my friends hung out, we always make sure to eat at a place that serve halal and vegan food instead of telling them to go find halal n vegan food themselves. When others wanna take cab cos it was raining cats and dogs, me and my friends took a bus cos a friend of ours didnt have enough money for cab. When a friend isnt as well off as we are, we would compromise, we would eat cheaper, shop lesser, etc. We once paid for a friend's movie ticket cos she had no more money to spend just so we can watch with her. We never spread important infos through sms only cos there are those who didnt have cellphones and we compromised, we used emails and words of mouth and call them at their homes, making sure they get the news. When we have groupwork we always try not to do it on sunday morning cos they know I gotta go to church. When my friends were excitedly chatting with mandarin and I joined in, they would change to english so I can join the conversation no matter how animated their gossips were before they are forced to change language. We would always talk in english when there is someone unfamiliar to our mother tounge so he/she wouldnt be left alone. We always hung out with lots of people regardless of their background, hometowns, nationalities, colors, race, religion etc. We treat our gay/lesbian friends just the same with others and we dont talk or tease them for what they are, we still hangout with them as per usual, we dont bully them by saying "relax we dont discriminate against any sexual orientation so go ahead, go grab that guy!" cos it would only make them feel as if they are different from us. We never call our friends 'black' or 'chinese' or 'indian' even if they are because for us it doesnt matter what colour or what race they have.

We are aware of others' circumstances and conditions and we try to make it such that they are not left alone because of their conditions and to make them feel accepted, not unlike the others regardless of their backgrounds.
THATS how not to discriminate.

Spreading news and information only through bb messenger?
definitely discrimination.
Teasing someone saying "we do not discriminate against sexual orientation"?
definitely discrimination.
Teasing someone just because of how they look like?
definitely discrimination.
Calling someone 'cina'?
definitely DEFINITELY discrimination of the worst kind.
Laughing at someone's ideals, clothes, opinions, cars or whatever is also discrimination.
I have many other examples I have come across while Im in Indo but hell its too much for this one blog post.

God, I'm ranting...and I usually dont, but this has agitated me for so long that I just gotta let off steam.

I thought you guys, of all people, would understand all of these. I thought with your global-minded persona, you would not be like the rest of them people out there.

To me this is personal so yea I was damn pissed.
I have been through this, I have felt how awful it is to be ostracised just because of who I am.
And I am NOT gonna stand by and watch the same things happening again.
Especially not by you guys, whom I have come to love like a family.

So maybe I was wrong about you guys...but then again, please prove me that all of you are better than this.
If not, I dont know how long can I stay.